top of page

5 Things to Withhold in the Early Stages of Dating


You caught another one on your hook and you're excited, I get it but let's take it easy. The early stages of dating is the most blissful stage and you can easily lose your bearings if you become caught up in the newness of it all. Here are five things to hold back on when things are fairly new with him.



Your Body Count


This one you can maybe hold on to forever. Still guessing what I mean here? This is the number of men you have slept with. Most women lie about it but its better to dodge the question than lie. Even if you're a virgin it might be good to withhold that information in the early stages as he might use that fact against you. What could have been a dating situation leading to a wholesome relationship turns into a relentless quest to take that virginity from you.


For my ladies who have been around the block there is no need to cough up your body count or worse brag about it. There are no brownie points to be gained. If your number is low, he's gonna think you're lying anyway and if he thinks your numbers are too high, he might choose to hit it and run or just run.


It might be hard to avoid this question because its typically one of the first things a man wants to know about you. You can let him know a lady does not kiss and tell and if he is worthy of knowing in the future you just might tell him. If he insists, ask him what number would suit him. Don't allow a man to corner you into sharing intimate details about your life if you're not ready to share. Make him earn the right to know certain things. Some men want to know it all on a first date which is even worse. The "hot pockets" type of rush could be a sign that he is trying to skip steps and get to third base. If he is truly interested he will not badger you if you refuse to share this information. If he is peeved by it so be it, you are under no obligation. Yes he might think your number is high as the reason you refuse to share and if he says it, simply remind him he is free to think whatever he wants because that won't change the facts. If while dating he can't seem to let it go, you might have to let him go because it screams immaturity if he can't get pass knowing your body count. Will he then need you to take a lie detector test to prove your number? Its boy bye if he's acting a fool.



The Reason You Got Dumped (If that's the case)


When dating a new prospect the last thing you want to do is dish all your baggage about why your ex left you. Even if you are the one that left don't share too much in the beginning. You don't want to come across as daring him like see, these are the reasons I left him so you better watch out. If your ex left in a less than favorable way, which is pretty much any given way, hold back on the details in the early stages. No matter the reason you don't want to be too intense in the early stages of dating. You also don't want him to think something is wrong with you. He will want to know what you did that caused your ex to leave and he might also think you're not worth his time since men are walking out of your life. Everyone who has ever been in a relationship and is on the dating scene has an ex but if it was a traumatic experience that paints an ugly picture, don't go too deep in the early stages. You can share some things about the breakup but don't come across as needing him to come save you and make your life better even though that's clearly the reason cause why else would you be dating him. That's too much pressure though, in the beginning. You don't want him to go yikes. When sharing the little you choose to share, be balanced and collected. Have an aura that says you're over it and not dragging along an invisible ball and chain.


During the early stages of dating, its two strangers getting to know each other better and the truth is, the negative aspects of your life do not attract but rather cause distractions if they're too intense.


No matter how open and free the conversation feels its best to keep some things under lock and key until you at least see where things are going. There's no point dishing out your whole life story with a side of baggage and drama in the hopes that he will appreciate your honesty. In the beginning you are both looking for a reason to walk away more than reasons to stay. If red flags pop up early you won't last long enough for him to see that you are actually a great fit for him.


When the dating phase progresses you both will naturally open up more. If he chooses to dish it all out in the beginning, take it because you will not refuse any intel you don't have to go digging for but be reserved on what you choose to share.


If you were the crazy ex there's no point telling him which way to run. If your ex is the crazy one sharing that too soon might be too much for him to handle especially if your ex is stalking you or something. Why would a stranger want to walk over coals for you when you haven't even had the time to prove you're worth that? If there is some heavy stuff you know will shock him, set a timer on the reveal of those things.


Unfortunately men tend to be more judgmental towards women when they are looking for a serious relationship. If on the other hand he's looking to play your fiddle, your in depth stories won't matter much. He might even use them to find ways in which he can manipulate you into bed faster.


Sharing too much baggage in the beginning is a natural turn off. No one wants to feel like to be with you they will have to climb Mount Kilimanjaro and swim across the Red Sea. You want to project an energy and vibe that says this woman is great to be around and I could see myself being with her. Yes the fantasy is painted in his mind at the beginning. You do the same as well. An imaginary relationship is created right after the first hello. As women we love to create fantasies and sometimes we get caught up in the fantasy when reality is far from the truth, so stay woke.



Details of Your Sexual Escapades


Keeping your body count a mystery is one thing but sharing in HD the details of your sexual encounters is also a no no. Your conversations might become a bit steamy at times because he's attracted and you may be as well but be limited in how much you share about how you are in the bedroom. Slapping your vagina on your forehead with your erotic stories is not the way to win over a high value man. He might get turned on by your stories yes but you run the risk of him thinking of you as cheap meat when he reflects on your conversations, especially if most always lead to topics of sex. When things are new you don't want to be sharing too much about your sexual needs and capabilities. Remain decent no matter how hot it gets in the kitchen.


Do not tell all out of fear that your conversations will be boring. If you can't find other things to talk about in the early stages its a sign that he's not the one. The ideal one for you will find conversations effortless and there will be an endless list of things to talk and laugh about without it being vanilla. As a high value women there is taste and grace with a touch of spice in all you do. Be mindful of how you are selling yourself. Revealing too much too soon leaves little to the imagination and two things can happen. He speeds up the process to test your bedroom skills or you simply become a bore because he has heard it all and no longer feels an interest.



Meeting the Family


While you might tell this new man about your whole family tree don't be taking him to meet any of them in the early stages. He might be excited by your stories and eager to meet them but the only man that gets to meet your family is the one you are serious about and where things have been progressing nicely towards a relationship. Don't be fooled by your fantasy into thinking a man you just met is the one with some "love at first sight" belief. Even if its love at first sight, allow your brain more so your gut to catch up with your heart. I hate to break it to you but the butterflies you feel in the beginning are nice to feel but that's just blissful ignorance. It takes time to truly know someone and even then you don't really know them, so give yourself some time to experience various situations with him before you go declaring him to be the one. This includes phone calls, face time and every other clever way you might try to get your family to meet him. You might be excited but save yourself the trouble of having to explain to your family yet again why you had to let another stray go. If he is the real deal, time will tell.


The same goes if he wants you to meet the family. This is a common tactic both men and women use to trap the other into a relationship. If you meet any of his family especially his mom too soon, you may feel the burden of having to prove yourself to her or the rest of his family and eventually you will start acting like the girlfriend without the label. Don't be thinking that if you met a man's mom, he has you as top priority on his list. Some men take every woman they meet to their mom even when they know its gonna be a hit and run and some might do it as a way of getting into your pants early because they know what meeting the mom means to you.


Spare yourself the embarrassment at family dinners and such where you will have to answer about a man that has gone missing in action. Him meeting your family holds little to no weight in him sticking around. In fact him meeting your family too early might have him thinking you're needy and clingy and what could have blossomed into a fulfilling relationship turns into a tragedy as he finds your moving too fast to be a turn off.



You are Dating for Marriage


Please I beg you don't state the obvious. The fact that you are single and actively dating is a clear sign that you are looking for a serious relationship that could eventually lead to marriage. Now if you are only casually dating men and do not want a serious relationship go ahead and tell them that you are here for a good time not a long time and ignore all of the above. If you are indeed looking to find true love and a lasting relationship do not spell out basic facts. It more naturally than not, will turn off a man to hear you harp on how you don't have time for games and you're looking for something serious blah blah blah. We all say that and they know it. They also know how to get around your chatter about what you are looking for in a man.


During the dating process, allow the flow of conversations and interactions to reveal the nature of the person you are dating. Sometimes the answers are glaringly obvious. Asking him 21 questions that you think will get you to the truth about him and his intentions is not how it works. A man can and usually tells a woman what she wants to hear because she can't handle what it really is. So questions while good for learning some things, are a waste of your time for other things, like "are you a cheater?" Why ask this? Would you stick around if he said yes and that he plans on doing the same thing to his next girlfriend? As the saying goes, ask me no questions I tell you no lies. Try as best as possible to find out about those tendencies in other ways. In the early stages everyone is putting their best foot forward and its no use asking a bunch of questions that lead to yes or no answers where the truth is actually the reverse for each.


Yes you are dating for marriage but men can smell desperation a mile off, so it will take some effort to not come across as needy. Some women are so eager they will talk to a man in tones and statements that label him as their man when he is not even close to it. This new man might have you feeling excited and hopeful but take it for what it is. He's just a random guy you are trying to know better to see if he measures up to what you are looking for in a man. Don't be seeing what is not there. Remain objective and level headed but with a smile of course. Have fun when dating but don't get carried away. You want to play your cards right when looking for a solid relationship. Don't force it, let things flow, be observant and do not ignore red flags. Assess them to see what you are willing to tolerate. Its a show not tell type of thing concerning your expectations. Telling him won't make him do or become them. A man might even pretend to be what you say you want so he can get what he wants so be careful how you spell out your laundry list of needs.

 

Tame your excitement in the early stages of dating. Enjoy the process and have fun but remember how you treat the beginning can directly affect the rest of your engagement. A potentially good thing can go sour if not done right so handle your heart with care and give due diligence to ensure he is right for you. Live in reality and face hard truths if they arise. Do share but remember, less is more on some things during the early stages.


Happy hunting.



Read more blog posts and find more great content at: https://www.fassygirl.com/


Also check out my daily podcast The Modern Independent Woman Winning at Love Podcast